Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
