Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
