Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize