I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
