So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
