I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I have post one night stand depression
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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