I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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