What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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