What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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