...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
