Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize