the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
