If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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