Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize