Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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