How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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