..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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