Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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