his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
