he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
