I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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