I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
40s are totally the cure
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
