Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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