omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she looked like the before picture.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
