You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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