Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
