I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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