remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
