i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
