All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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