Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
