My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
