My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
