I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize