Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
