My brain says no but my pants say off.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
