I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
