Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
