Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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