You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
