you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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