youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
