I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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