Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
