Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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