I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
