she woke up with a sticky ear
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
