So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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