9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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