I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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