shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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