how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
