So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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