So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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