I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
