So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize