So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
